I have the day off from work today which is a huge blessing. I needed this day to catch my breath. I spent the real weekend cleaning, which didn’t get finished, and there are more dishes stacked up in the sink now and more dust on the floor than before. I also spent a great amount of time crafting and decorating my home which I am very happy about, but it came at the expense of neglecting my other responsibilities like work, and as I mentioned before, cleaning. But when budgeting my time, I think it was well spent. Last night I negotiated a deal with myself to do my work to prepare for this week, and my reward would be television and popcorn. I got my work done, which left me in a very light and happy mood after having it incessantly bother me from the back of my mind all weekend. Now today, I managed to get up before noon and I moved through my ideal morning routine, which I’m concluding with this entry.

Overall I had a productive and restful weekend, but I was extremely lonely and isolated. Saturday was Halloween and after a week of celebrating at work, I was oversaturated. It was like eating too many sweets and having a tummy ache even though I didn’t even indulge in candy this year. I slept in and once I woke up I immediately started my house projects – deep cleaning, and hanging up everything that has been confined to plastic bags on the floor of my studio. With coffee and an empty stomach I had an aggressive force of energy that motivated me just as much as it sent me crashing into a wall when I got too fast and out of control. After an emotional intermission curled up in bed under the covers, like I was larvae in a slimy cocoon, I was able to calm down and eat which made me feel better. However, the rest of the day I unconsciously continued on the upward slope of an energetic roller coaster where once at the top, or rather at the end of  the day, all of the pent up anxiety is released throughout my restless body.

I spent the day mostly tying up loose ends (literally and figurately) to many unfinished projects. I completed two upcycling sewing projects that I am actually happy with. I mounted an origami mural on my wall, started an armature for a new paper project, as well as mixed up the paper mache clay itself. During all of that time I also watched the first Practical Magic film, many VanillaMace game plays, and various true-crime documentaries, and in between I  listened to halloween music mixes in between. And no, I didn’t go outside once, or celebrate Halloween. I spent the entire beautiful day indoors, and since my boyfriend works on the weekends I was also incredibly alone. But look, if I wasn’t so lonely I wouldn’t be able to accomplish all of these projects, but if I did have more friends, maybe I wouldn’t feel so shameful and melancholic while I’m working on them. A part of me didn’t go out on Halloween, maybe because of this shame I feel about this period of loneliness. If I went out on a festive night like halloween, I would be the thing that everyone should be afraid of – a young woman who doesn’t seem to have any friends to go out with on a saturday night. Like what could be wrong with me that this is the case? It’s probably best to stay away…

Dramatics aside, I have friends, and great, irreplaceable ones, but they live on a different continent or in different cities here in Europe. I have made it my goal to get out more and meet new people, but yesterday I realized that I think I am emotionally exhausted from making new friends and then having to say goodbye once they, or I move away. I live in a transient city where a lot of people that come here are just passing by. It’s great to meet other nomadic spirits from diverse cultural backgrounds, but it is painful when the inevitable time to say goodbye comes. So for now, my heart remains open to new friendships, but I also accept loneliness as an opportunity for creative devotion. It seems the loneliness I have suffered my whole life has been trying to make me see this path and understand my purpose, but I have always had my head turned the other way watching people walk on a different one, wishing that I could join them. But with that being said, I still need connection and a sense of community, but that might look different from having deep intimate friendships. It might look more like being more friendly with the people at the local shops I frequent, calling the people I love more, and making small talk with strangers. I’d consider myself a friendly hermit. Even if I had decided to stay in my hometown close to family and old friends, I would still eventually end up lonely after they had all moved away or started new lives, or even died. So I might as well live my life to the fullest, even if it comes at the cost of periodic loneliness. Better to be lonely than left with regrets I suppose. I just keep telling myself that one day this will all pass.